The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
