im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
