what day is it and did you see me today?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
