at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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