After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
