Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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