Jerry, you need to find god
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
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woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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