OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
