did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
