I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I did not marry a roomba.
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