it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
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She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced