you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
