You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
