Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
