I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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