Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
