We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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