i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
