A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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