Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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