her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
