I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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