I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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