I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
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I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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