I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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