In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
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