Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
