Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
