He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
