So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
