"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
