I wish I could teleport
it was like having sex with a tree stump
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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