checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
