Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
