i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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