Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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