while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
