My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
