also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
