Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
