I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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