Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
