I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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