And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
