I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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