Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
