The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
