I showed him my bush... on skype.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
