My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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