I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
