i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
