I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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