my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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