Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
