You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
