Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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