At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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